Blog

DEPRESSION AND SELF-SABOTAGE

Baseline A

Depression is a mental illness that’s difficult to understand. Even sufferers often don’t quite get what’s happening. If you’re family or a friend, your chances are even slimmer.

I’ll try anyway. Imagine the way you are every day—sometimes you’re in a good mood, sometimes you bark at people, but on average, you’re a “together” person. You’re you. That’s your baseline. Let’s call this Baseline A.

If something terrible happens, such as a health scare, you feel terrible. For days, you walk around under a cloud (below Baseline A) until, finally, you get the all-clear. At this point, you return to Baseline A.

 

Baseline B

But imagine you can’t climb back up. Maybe the health scare became a serious illness or the fear you experienced is impossible to shake. Maybe it’s the death of a loved one, or exam stress, or worry about keeping your job that’s getting you down. Whatever the reason, Baseline A is now a distant memory. This second, much darker feeling is your new baseline. You’ll still have days when you’re well and others where life is harder, but most days are under a cloud. You’ve reached Baseline B — Depression.

I should point out that, in reality, there is no single event that definitively causes depression. I remember one time when I was about sixteen years old. I was at school and we were looking at pictures from when we were twelve. One classmate said, “That was when you were still slim.” He was right. My frame wasn’t thin exactly, but if I was medically overweight at all, it would have been by a few pounds. Yet all the sixteen-year-old me could think was, “Then why did you keep telling me I was fat back then?”

Whether it’s your weight, an overachieving sibling, a pushy parent, or simply an inherent pessimism, depression often develops over a number of years. It can pounce, but typically it sneaks up to you. Having your self-worth undermined for most of your life can be a shortcut to Baseline B.

How do you know you’ve reached Baseline B?

Some of the symptoms you may exhibit if you’re depressed are unreliability (you’ll start canceling on friends), shortness of temper (you feel angry a lot for no reason), extreme mood swings, lethargy… These symptoms can be very subtle and may go unnoticed by friends and family—maybe even by you at first.

 

Baseline C

If something terrible were to happen in your life now, or the undermining of your self-worth were to continue unabated, the only way for you to go would be further down, into the rabbit hole of suicidal thoughts and other self-damaging behavior. The rabbit hole is a dangerous place, because right now, your life is in danger. You’re hanging off a cliff, and it will take a mighty yank to pull you back up.

If you survive this situation and are lucky, you’ll get back to Baseline B. But for many, a lower Baseline C will be their future. At Baseline C, your life feels like it’s no longer within your control.

At this stage, your symptoms become more severe. One of the major ones is self-sabotage. We’ve all procrastinated, but under depression, procrastination becomes an artform. Whatever we shoulddo, you can bet your sweet behind that we’ll find other things with which to occupy our time, even if these alternatives are in fact unpleasant. If I have a writing deadline coming up, suddenly doing the dishes becomes more important—even though I hate doing dishes and I love writing. Or I simply stay in bed.

But procrastination isn’t the only symptom. You may end up self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, or getting overly invested in new-fangled medicines that promise “natural healing.” You start searching for meaning, and if you fail, further down the rabbit hole you go.

Some of us self-harm. This symptom ranges from mild to serious self-harm. A mild example isovereating—often without realizing. Say, you’re on a diet. Come 10 a.m., you have a cookie. It’s naughty, but a single cookie isn’t going to ruin your diet. In fact, it’s so insignificant, you subsequently block it out. Then comes the second cookie, or a second helping at dinner, or two pieces of cheese. A week later, your weight has gone up, which is weird, because you ‘religiously stuck to your diet.’

A more serious symptom is cutting yourself. The pain of cutting yourself has been described to me as a release. Like having a bruise and poking it, because there’s something good about pain. Did you know that endorphins come out to play when we’re hurt to reduce our perception of pain? In addition, secretion of endorphins leads to feelings of euphoria. Others claim that cutting ultimately comes down to regaining a sense of control.

In fact, the issue of control plays a huge part in self-sabotage. It’s better to control your failures than to feel helpless about the possibility of failing. Sounds paradoxical? Well, not much happens at Baseline C that makes sense to people at Baseline A.

 

Personal Examples of Self-sabotage

Have you ever thrown an exam and stayed at home to read a book instead? I have. I never got my certificate.

Have you ever promised a friend to bake a cake for their cake sale but watched Netflix instead? I have, and we’re no longer friends.

Have you ever baked cookies for your friend’s party, then thought, “it’s probably overkill” or “they’re not good enough” and thrown them away? I have. In fact, I stayed at home that night.

I like to think I’m a normal person. I’m mostly at a mild Baseline C, but I must always be conscious of potential stressors. Because the next stressor could be my last.

I had a big stress event last year and was ready to kill myself. A confluence of events pulled me from the brink. A few weeks later, I came to understand the depression I’d been suffering under for years (at Baseline B). That is to say, I finally “got it”:

There will be times in my life where my brain will be unable to cope.

Those are the days when my life will be at risk from my own thoughts, and my usual survival instincts will be zero. This is why I’m deliberately avoiding stressors, but it’s something my (few remaining) friends do not understand. To them, “finding a new flat to live in” or “I’ve overspent this month and must dip into my savings” aren’t life-or-death events. To me, they are. So I stay put where I am and watch my money—until I sabotage myself again and go on a spending spree, or until the next time I fail at a task.

 

Disclaimer

I’m not a doctor or a medical professional. I don’t give advice on this topic (how could I?), but I don’t shy away from giving my opinions based on my experiences either. The sole purpose of this blog post is to give you a glimpse of what’s going on in my head. A tiny glimpse, because there are so many more facets to depression than those mentioned here. There’s the joy of creativity, the way we interact with the world at large, and many, many more.

RONE Awards and Independent Publishers

Once again, the RONE Award nominations have gone out, and I’m proud to announce that Moon Promise is a nominee in the Paranormal Romance category. It was reviewed by the magazine last year and was given 4.5 stars (out of 5). The awards will have now moved into the second stage (the public vote), and, as I did before with Bound, I would ask you NOT to vote for my book.

There are many great books in the running that do deserve your attention, though. To vote, you need to register or be registered with InD’tale magazine (which takes but a minute). This is to make sure you vote only the once.

If you don’t know what the RONE is, here’s how the process works, taken from InD’tale’s website:

“Each year InD’tale Magazine honors the very best books in the Indie and Small publishing industry by awarding the prestigious RONE award. To achieve this award, a book must go through the most comprehensive process in the industry today, with three distinct areas of focus.

1. All books in each given year (January 1st – December 31st) must have been read and reviewed by our professional staff of reviewers and be given a 4.5 star rating or higher to qualify as a nominee. […]

2. All nominees must then be voted on by the reading public. The books with the highest number of public votes will progress on to become finalists. […]

3. The finalists will then be read by a group of industry professionals consisting of editors, writers, professors etc. […]”

InD’tale is one of my favorite magazines. It introduces writers, features stories, and offers a comprehensive section dedicated to reviews from different genres. The reviews are honest and well written, with a good balance between synopsis and opinion.

Let’s get honest for a second about publishing. If you enjoy Paranormal Romance or Urban Fantasy (or Cozy Mystery or Scottish Highland Romance…) and are a voracious reader, you will be reading books that have been independently published or published via a small publisher. Big-name companies like Penguin, Tor, or Random House simply do not publish the volume of books to meet demand in those genres.

In addition, they’re looking for the big new thing (BNT) in publishing. And even though this BNT may take off and sell tens of thousands of copies, most of us genre readers are looking for new, original takes on the same tropes to feed our habit.

Those two things are not the same.

Take me. I’m addicted to strong female heroes with a bit of sass that get the job done, and stories set in the real world but suffused with paranormal elements. Put an original twist on it, and you’ve found a faithful reader in me.

Finding that combination among new releases from the big publishers isn’t easy. They exist (look at Darynda Jones, Patricia Briggs, Kim Harrison, Ilona Andrews etc.), but simply not in the volume I need. To sate my appetite, I must turn to alternative publishing (which, for the sake of brevity, will here include both independent publishing and small publishers). This is where I’ll find great stories and memorable characters—tailor-made for me.

If you’re thinking the quality will be awful, then you’re about twenty years behind the times.

I know from personal experience (of publishing on different levels) that the more control an author has over their books (independent vs. small publisher; or small publisher vs. big publisher), the more rigorous the editing. Hey, our books are our babies! The result may not be perfect, but that’s down to human error rather than a lack of effort or care. In addition, authors who receive an advance from a large publishing house must deliver books by a certain date. In alternative publishing, you deliver when the book is ready, and not a day before.

Alternative publishing is under pressure from oversaturation of the market (great for readers, bad for new authors), from retail giants like Amazon (although Amazon is our most important sales platform, too), from large publishers (they can’t make mass fiction work on their business model but consider alternative publishing the competition), from reader ennui (if you read 100+ books a year, it is time-consuming to provide reviews for them all, so you don’t post any), from lack of opportunity (getting books into libraries or shops is almost impossible), and so on.

This is why InD’tale magazine is so important. It does not only feature authors from all levels of publishing but also celebrates great books based on merit rather than publisher. It offers reviews for stories I truly wish to read, giving alternative publishing a legitimate seal of approval. And their RONE award is (IMO) one of the most important awards for genre fiction, which is why I urge you to vote—just not for my book.

Thank you.

The Joy of Audiobooks

With the release of my latest audiobook, it’s time go back and look at when my love for audiobooks began.

When I was a kid and my mother had no time to read me bed-time stories, I was allowed to listen to one side of a vinyl record or tape of stories for kids. In the beginning, those stories were fairy tales or cutesy little anecdotes. Then I moved on to series, including one about a talking elephant Benjamin and his best friend Otto, or another about a young witch called Bibi. In my early teens, I switched genre. “The Three Investigators,” for example, offered crime and excitement in every episode.

Today, I listen to all sorts of books at any time of the day. While doing my chores, while driving, in bed, or even simply to relax. Watching TV is fine, but audiobooks are still books with all the joy they bring. Vivid descriptions, cracking dialogue, nail-biting action… If I fall asleep while listening, that’s fine, too. I pick up the thread the next day at the last bit I remember. Luckily, we no longer use tapes, which used to involve a lot of rewinding and fast-forwarding to find the right spot. Digital audiofiles require nothing more than a swipe.

Anyway, once I started writing and publishing my own books, I naturally wanted them to be available in audiobook format.

Producing audiobooks involves narration and production costs. It can take a narrator several hours to create one hour of finished product. That explains why audiobooks are more expensive than eBooks, but I think they’re worth the purchase price. The first time I listened to Guarded, I was amazed to see my characters take on shape in my mind in a way they hadn’t when I wrote the book. Next up was Bound, narrated by Brian Callanan, a broadcaster and multiple Emmy-award winner, who had me hanging on his every word right to the end.

Now, in Moon Promise, Phoenix McKay brought all her experience as a theater actor to bear, creating an outstanding narrative I’ve already listened to twice (!). You’d think that after writing and editing a book and then approving the audio file I’d have had my fill of it, but each listen brings new twists. Through her magic, a line my character said with understated wit becomes a line that makes me chuckle. A suggestive tone adds an unexpected dimension to dialogue that had held no special significance when it was first conceived.

If you aren’t a convert yet, let me assure you that buying audiobooks is as straight-forward as buying digital books or music. One of the easiest ways is via iTunes, in the same way you’d buy an album. Another is via Amazon or Audible (Audible being part of Amazon). You can listen to it straight away on your computer or via the Audible app on your phone or tablet (your purchased book will download onto your device in the same way a book would). It really isn’t complicated.

Audible have this amazing subscription-based plan where you pay a regular monthly fee (less than $15/£8 a month) for one credit, which you can exchange for any audiobook you like, no matter the original price. Better yet, you get Moon Promise absolutely free, simply by using this link if you live in the US or this link if you’re located in the UK (click here for France and here for Germany). Better yet, if you try it and later decide audiobooks aren’t for you, you can cancel your subscription and get on with your life—but I bet you’ll be hooked.

My most recent purchases are Becoming by Michelle Obama, Blood Noir by Anita Blake, Waking Up Dead by Margo Bond Collins, and The Feynman Lectures: Masers and Light. The last three I’d already owned and read in print/as eBooks, but as I said, listening to a story is different. It’s nostalgic, warming, personal, and just a little indulgent.

PS: If you’re already subscribed to my newsletter, you’ll get an awesome chance to win a free copy of Moon Promise to celebrate my new release.

New Release – Divide and Conquer

Hi guys

I see you’ve been busy collecting stamps in return for free books. Good on you! Keep them coming. You still have a few days left.

Today, however, is all about Divide and Conquer. It’s had a rocky ride, so much so it’s been referred to as the “cursed book,” but at long last release day is here.

I’ve written so much about why I love this story, I’m not going to bore you with the details again. But love it I do. For the next few weeks, you can buy it for only $0.99, but the price will go up. It’s about an 11-hour read, so you’re getting a lot of book for your buck.

Amazon US | Amazon UK | Amazon CA | Amazon AU

Nook | Kobo | iBooks | Smashwords

How the hell does a physicist like Lea Daniels get dragged into a fight to defend a magical kingdom? A lousy prophecy, that’s how. Grappling with her new reality, Lea must entrust her safety to Elonian warrior Nieve, whose kick-ass powers blatantly defy the laws of nature.

Nieve, for her part, isn’t exactly thrilled either about her role as a mentor to a “chosen one” who can’t tell a sword from a hairbrush. They’ve barely had time to cover the rules of Elonian light magic when they’re attacked from the shadows—where only the enemy dares walk.

Somehow, the mismatched duo must protect Seattle, the world, and the realm beyond against the Shade king and his cut-throat army. The good news is, they’re not alone. The bad news is that, as new allies assemble to join their cause, it quickly becomes clear everyone has an agenda.

Collect Stamps and Exchange for Prizes

Hey guys,

From time to time I’ll be posting stamps depicting my book covers here and over on Facebook. Come November, you can exchange four different stamps for a free e-novella (Hidden, Accused or In Love With a Shadow) or seven different stamps for a free ebook (Guarded, Bound, Moon Promise, and after November 20, Divide and Conquer). Happy hunting!

Simply send an email with the stamps to ireader@carmen-fox.com and let me know which book you’d like. You can redeem your stamps from November 1 through December 20, 2018.

And to kick off the fun, here’s the first one.

Release Week – Scary Week

It’s release week! What does that mean, though? For me, release week is synonymous with the a queasy feeling in my stomach, both for good reasons and bad reasons.

Moon Promise, my latest offering, introduces a new type of hero. For once we have a woman who believes in her self-worth not for any superpowers she might have, but for who she is. Kensi can defend herself, but isn’t magically stronger than every man who wishes her harm. She has no real magical powers, and let’s not forget, for a werewolf who neither exhibits dominance nor shifts into her wolf shape, she navigates the power-driven world with skill and pizzazz.

Is Kensi perfect? Hardly. That lady has a huge chip on her shoulder, for one. Men have not left a favorite impression on her, and she uses this as an excuse to keep her distance. Worse, she uses her position as an alpha-to-be to set herself apart. No one is going to tell her how to behave. She must be on top—always (wink wink).

But I love how she tries to be a better person every day. She supports the underdog, defends her truth, and performs her job as private detective in a way that shows she cares about her clients.

That brings me to Drake, the other hero of the story. No, my paranormal romance does not treat both characters equally. This is Kensi’s story, but Drake’s change is no less drastic. Despite “only” being a pack protector, he’s every bit as dominant as his alpha. No wonder he flexes his alpha chops around Kensi—not always with the results he hopes for or expects. He’s got a good head on his shoulders, too, and is fiercely loyal.

Will Kensi ultimately give in to his charms? Duh, it’s a romance, right? But don’t be so sure of the outcome. Sure, there’s a HEA, but she’s not going to undergo a personality transplant.

You have to read for yourself if you want to see why they might not end up together, or why they might.

My butterflies remain. Is the world ready for a hero like Kensi? I hope so. I must believe that not all readers secretly yearn for a man who will take the reins when the going gets tough. The solid guy who steps in and magically takes away all her worries. A partnership of equals should in this day and age no longer be a unicum.

The other, more positive reason for my nerves is anticipation. Up to publication, my characters haunt only me and my editors, proofreaders and beta readers. The response to Moon Promise has been encouraging. I too am in love with the story and the characters. But once the book is out, my previously private new world expands as readers accept it into their hearts and minds.

At least I very much hope so. But why don’t I let you read it first?

Enjoy!

Buy it here
Universal Link
Nook
Kobo
iBooks

Amazon US
Amazon UK
Amazon CA
Amazon AU

Let Me Promise You the Moon

I’ve done it. I’ve released another full-length novel for your reading pleasure. What is it about? Will you like it?

I don’t know about the latter, but I can give you a summary of my new favorite book.

 

Private eye by day. Alpha by nature.

 

All her life, Kensi has dreamed of being an alpha werewolf. The trouble is, she can’t shift. And she’s tried everything: meditation, mind-expanding drugs, even squeezing real hard. Despite her lack of success, she’s not giving up. Her plan B? Offering her talents as a private eye to the Wild Pack. If she can locate their missing werewolf, they’re bound to support her claim to lead.

Dominant, stubborn and searing hot Drake is assigned to be her guide, and he’s just too damn good at his job. His hard chest bumps into her as he stalks her every move, while his mercury eyes watch her all the time, tearing down her defenses bit by bit. Maybe she got it wrong and being an alpha isn’t the only thing she wants.

But when the missing girl turns up dead, Drake’s story unravels. Putting her ambitions on the line, Kensi sets out to prove whether the man she loves is as innocent as she hopes—or as guilty as she fears.

Watch the trailer, if you’re not sold yet. Or buy it now, before the price goes up:

Universal Link
Nook
Kobo
iBooks

Amazon US
Amazon UK
Amazon CA
Amazon AU

NEW RELEASE – Sigils and Spells

Woot! Party time!

The time has come for my new release, HIDDEN. Ali finally got his own story, and my, doesn’t he play well with Eli (Florian’s brother)? Who’d have known?

For one crazy night, Ali and Eli follow the trail of a suspected serial killer. Their rain-soaked journey takes one twist after another until… You know what? You just gotta read the book yourself.

HIDDEN is part of Sigils and Spells, a boxed set that celebrates diversity. Ali being Indonesian-American and gay, he certainly qualifies to be in this set, but really, this is about the story, and about the 23 other UF books in this set. Join us for suspense, laughs, maybe an indulgent sob, and definitely adventure—no passport needed.

You can buy your copy right here:

Amazon US | Amazon UK | Amazon AU | Amazon CA | Nook | Kobo | iBooks

Okay, okay. Let me give you the blurb to make sure your tastebuds are thoroughly teased.

HIDDEN

One werewolf. One vampire. One night to thwart a serial killer.

Spontaneity has never been in Ali’s vocabulary. After all, this werewolf didn’t become second in command to his alpha by stepping outside the box. His by-the-book mentality is challenged the night he finds his vampire neighbor Eli on his doorstep—crouched over a dead body.

Eli isn’t just a flirt, he’s a force of nature that sweeps aside Ali’s suspicions to lure him into a life-changing adventure. The unlikely duo’s quest for the truth takes them through the rainy streets of Silverton, CA, hot on the trail of the real killer.

As Eli and Ali close in on their mark, the investigation slingshots them into a murderous plot to shift the balance of powers between the races. It’s now up to Ali to take a leap out of his comfort zone straight into the conspirators’ firing line, or risk condemning thousands of innocents to certain death.

Get your copy here:

Amazon US | Amazon UK | Amazon AU | Amazon CA | Nook | Kobo | iBooks

Possibly Your Hottest Read This Winter

Season of Seduction is out, and people are loving it. Hidden among contemporary romance stories are a handful of fantasy or paranormal romances, and among them you will find ACCUSED.

Let’s get one thing straight. I don’t write romances. You won’t find half-naked couples on my covers either, because I don’t do that sort of thing (on teasers, but not covers). I write Urban Fantasy with pace and suspense—in other words, a lot more Paranormal than Romance.

That was the plan, but over the years, romance has become ever more central to my stories. ACCUSED was maybe the next step in my evolution. So let me give you the gist:

Genny is a snow elemental—the only one of her kind. Her father is a military man, as was her late brother, Granger. She lives in the small town of Colbridge in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, where snow is plentiful and the most exciting thing that ever happened was the unsolved murder of a young girl. When new evidence in the case links Granger to the child’s death, Genny is confused, scared and angry. While life in the Army left her brother with scars, he would never have committed such a terrible crime.

Or would he? How well did she really know the man he grew to be?

Genny’s inquisitive by nature, and she enlists Kace, one of Granger’s friends, to clear her brother’s name. Their partnership quickly evolves into a lifeline for two lonely souls. As their investigation progresses, it’s not the secrets they lift that threaten to derail their young relationship, but the secrets they keep from each other.

This is about all I want to give away. ACCUSED may not be the funniest book I’ve ever written, or the most suspenseful, but, for me, its subtle sentimentality is just perfect for a romance. You know, that kind of feeling you get when two people find each other at the right time? They fit. They gel. No surprise things get steamy. Very steamy. At the end, you get that warm, fuzzy feeling that tells you in your heart that these two are meant to be.

Buy here until November 31. In December, we’ll be opening it up to Kindle Unlimited, while removing Nook, iBooks, Kobo and GooglePlay.

Amazon US | iBooks | BN | Kobo | Google Play